My Own Worst Enemy

How much of me is me? I guess what I mean is...to what extent am I consciously making my decisions and doing what I want? How much of it is God? How much of it is the Devil? I like to think most of my life is based around how God would want me to live it. I've lived that way since I was 13, and it hasn't failed me yet. But lately, I've been compulsive, quick to questionable actions, like a toddler who hasn't learned the rules yet. Is this the inherent nature of the adult Chelsea Burdick? Just because I've learned more about the world and its people doesn't give me an excuse to give in to the darker side that has always been lurking in the dark recesses of my tired mind. I sit and wonder if that very thing is what Christianity struggles to fight, to keep at bay. Spiritual warfare could be raging around me as we speak, as I attempt to keep control of my heart and actions, and for all I know I could be losing. I can't help but feel it is my war too, and I am failing miserably.

Connections

I talked with my old youth pastor today. Well, I shouldn't say old, that makes it sound like I was in high school decades ago, it's only been two years! At any rate, I can't go to the high school group anymore, I'm too ancient. I miss it so much because that's where I grew up, you know? Spiritually, I learned so much with that group of people; they're my second family, I know I am always welcome and safe at with them. I got baptized with them watching, I asked them to pray for me, I told them the deepest frustrations and joys. And now I go to a school where that is (supposedly) happening with everyone you meet. Does it feel like a family? We'll see.
Jeff said something profound (as he often does, without knowing it). He explained to me that it was interesting to watch as his students moved on, as they moved away from him and into new lives that Jeff knew nothing about. "And before you know it, they're getting married! And I'm like 'I don't even know your fiance....'" How weird much that be? You go from a spiritual mentor to a casual friend within a matter of years. sometimes not even that! And Jeff sees it happen every single year. He joked that he keeps himself distant so that he doesn't get hurt, and if you knew Jeff, you would know why that's a ridiculous statement. But I couldn't help thinking, "How much better off would we be if we didn't invest in people that we knew would leave us? What if we just didn't take the risk, made sure we didn't get hurt? Would the world be a better place?
I say that the good things that result from the relationships we build and/or burn far outweigh the bad things. I mean, look, we wouldn't have half of the great musicians we have now....what would they write about? A life with no risks and no heartache is boring and, in my opinion, isn't a life at all. You wouldn't learn anything about people, or yourself. I actually know a person who is like this, trapped by his fear of getting close to anyone. He saddens me, but what can you do to convince people that it's worth the potential pain? The relationships we have while we are alive are everything, and I cherish every one of them.

How weird...

It was exactly THIS DAY last year when I stopped writing in this blog. How trippy is that? At any rate, I only started it because it was an assignment in my Beginnings class, but when I read the posts I realized I actually got a lot of thinking done here. Maybe I will start again! Who knows?

I'm living at my college this year, that's a HUGE change from when I last wrote. I've managed to get myself into tons of trouble, none of which was intentional, but it sure was necessary. I have three roommates who I love very much, even if I don't show it as much as I should. This semester is so completely different from anything I've experienced in my life, it's all I can do to keep up with my relationships and nurture them as much as possible. I really do love the people here, though. I just wish I had the time to get to know them, or at least talk with them on a deeper level. Don't you get the feeling that when people say "How are you?" they wouldn't care if you said "Crappy"?

Some friendships have deteriorated. Several, in fact. Now THAT'S a bad feeling. Especially since many of them revolved around the same event. Before this year, I didn't know how to ruin a friendship; I've had all the same friends since elementary school, for heaven's sake. I live with a girl I've known since 2nd grade! And yet, here I am, able to say,"I have screwed up big time, but God still loves me." Fix everything you can, accept the things you cannot. Some friendships have been made stronger by these tough times, and I can only pray that they continue to progress and grow.

All of that to say, I would not trade this last year for anything! I look back on all my old posts and see how little I was, how much I needed to be my own person. Compared to that tiny, scared girl, I feel like a mountain! God has gotten me this far, why should I be afraid? Despite so many bad things, there's so much good shining through. I'm finally getting into Graphic Design, a major I picked because I am considerably more decisive than I used to be. I am the lead volunteer of a great ministry where I get to tutor and mentor kids, kids that would be unable to get the help they need without my ministry. The guy I've had a crush on for years has told me that he loves me, even when I show him my weaknesses and flaws.

Faith will ALWAYS, ALWAYS prevail. Don't you forget it.