Here's just a list of things I feel I need to fix about myself lately. There are many, and I just want to remember them in order to stay accountable. I know I'll never be perfect, but it's always good to improve oneself, right?
1) Stop saying "I swear to God." I should never swear to anything, especially God. And usually when I say this I'm just joking around, and there are many other things I could say BESIDES this.
2) Stop getting irritated with people for doing things I normally do. That's hypocritical and stupid. Like when I trip over someone's shoes that were left in the middle of the floor, and get pissed, and then realize that my roommate tripped over MY shoes just yesterday. -_-
3) STOP STALKING PEOPLE ON FACEBOOK. And by that I mean, stop spending hours of your life on this ridiculous website that only works half the time.
4) Stop exaggerating stories. It gets to the point where I'm pretty much lying. Somehow or another I boasted to someone I had been to a Mastodon concert, when really what I MEANT was that Fall of Troy had a song called Mastodon. How did I even get from one idea to the other? I DON'T KNOW.
5) Stop being a hater. Men are NOT all perverts, and women are NOT all gossips. That's the recent dose of cynicism talking.
6) Be nice to your friends even when they're not nice to you, and be EXTRA nice when they go out of their way to show they care. Friends are your family away from home. ^_^
7) Don't worry your parents by looking unkempt. If you don't brush your hair for a week, they will assume that you have no basic hygiene skills and ask you repeatedly if you do, in fact, shower.
8) Don't get mad at your parents when they say things like this.
9) Start applying what you have learned in the past year or so about God and people. Don't be afraid to step out on your own; you need to make your own path, because no one's gonna do it for you. But DON'T get overconfident and cocky, you're still learning. And DON'T get meek and quiet and withdrawn, because you already look like an anti-social computer nerd who only prefers the company of like-minded and non-threatening people.
That's all for now. I'm sure I will think of more.
Thursday, November 5, 2009
Saturday, October 17, 2009
Love Never Fails
It says right there in the Bible, "Love never fails." It's on pillows, mugs, it's on my flippin' shower curtain. And I want to say that I know that it is true; love is the one thing we can count on to make things better where they were worse. I know this. I KNOW it, I have seen it. God's very nature is love, according to theology. The Father loves the Son, the Son reciprocates, the Holy Spirit is that reciprocation, therefore the Triune God is love in community with himself. We look to him as our role model for relationship with one another, or at least we try.
I want very badly to say that I know that this is true. But all the love in the world seems to have failed me now. I love someone more than anything, like that ridiculous quote from The Village, "more than the moon and the sun combined." We HAD that, we understood that. And yet it still wasn't enough for me to become more flexible, more willing to accept their personality with all it's strengths and flaws. I couldn't change my values or my outlook so that he and I could stay together, and he couldn't do it for me. We're only human. In humanland, love fails.
I'm not usually cynical and I'm not saying that our love failed. I'm not even saying that it won't eventually be a source of love in years to come. And a year and 2 months of a fantastic relationship isn't a failure, it's a learning experience and a great one, at that. All I'm asking for is answers. God is so immense and amazing, so why can't He overcome some of the evil that has entered our relationship through the back door? Why can't He see what this means to both of us? I'm sick of my Christian campus telling me that "God will work through it." I like to think He will, but they say it with such snobbish conviction, like I should just be remembering this. They don't consider the fact that God just took away the life of a man who has two 5 year old sons and left a young widow alone. They don't consider that God is watching a woman die in Laos as she struggles to breathe from an oxygen tank, as she laments that she is too much of a burden on her family. They don't think about these things as they tell me with absolute certainty that God will provide. If He doesn't want to, He won't, and that's not necessarily a bad thing.
I pray and pray and pray that my current situation turns out for the best, and I understand that God is listening. I understand also that I sound very accusatory right now, but He already knows how I feel and He's still my Father; at the end of the day, He offers a great comfort, like a hug almost. I know that everything will be okay. It just can't stop me from missing the person I love the most, and it can't stop me from being angry and hurt. I am only a human. From down here, it still looks like love has failed me. But from up there, He still sees that love never fails in my life. He still loves us all.
And I REFUSE to take his pictures down. He's still a great friend and they make me smile, dang it.
I want very badly to say that I know that this is true. But all the love in the world seems to have failed me now. I love someone more than anything, like that ridiculous quote from The Village, "more than the moon and the sun combined." We HAD that, we understood that. And yet it still wasn't enough for me to become more flexible, more willing to accept their personality with all it's strengths and flaws. I couldn't change my values or my outlook so that he and I could stay together, and he couldn't do it for me. We're only human. In humanland, love fails.
I'm not usually cynical and I'm not saying that our love failed. I'm not even saying that it won't eventually be a source of love in years to come. And a year and 2 months of a fantastic relationship isn't a failure, it's a learning experience and a great one, at that. All I'm asking for is answers. God is so immense and amazing, so why can't He overcome some of the evil that has entered our relationship through the back door? Why can't He see what this means to both of us? I'm sick of my Christian campus telling me that "God will work through it." I like to think He will, but they say it with such snobbish conviction, like I should just be remembering this. They don't consider the fact that God just took away the life of a man who has two 5 year old sons and left a young widow alone. They don't consider that God is watching a woman die in Laos as she struggles to breathe from an oxygen tank, as she laments that she is too much of a burden on her family. They don't think about these things as they tell me with absolute certainty that God will provide. If He doesn't want to, He won't, and that's not necessarily a bad thing.
I pray and pray and pray that my current situation turns out for the best, and I understand that God is listening. I understand also that I sound very accusatory right now, but He already knows how I feel and He's still my Father; at the end of the day, He offers a great comfort, like a hug almost. I know that everything will be okay. It just can't stop me from missing the person I love the most, and it can't stop me from being angry and hurt. I am only a human. From down here, it still looks like love has failed me. But from up there, He still sees that love never fails in my life. He still loves us all.
And I REFUSE to take his pictures down. He's still a great friend and they make me smile, dang it.
Thursday, October 15, 2009
Do I have to fall asleep with roses in my hand...
When you're dreaming with a broken heart
Then waking up is the hardest part
You roll outta bed and down on your knees
And for a moment you can hardly breathe
Wondering was he really here?
Is he standing in my room?
No he's not, 'cause he's gone, gone, gone, gone, gone....
When you're dreaming with a broken heart
The giving up is the hardest part
He takes you in with his crying eyes
Then all at once you have to say goodbye
Wondering could you stay my love?
Will you wake up by my side?
No he can't, 'cause she's gone, gone, gone, gone, gone....
Now do I have to fall asleep with roses in my hands
Do I have to fall asleep with roses in my hands?
Do I have to fall asleep with roses in my hands?
Do I have to fall asleep with roses in my , roses in my hands?
Would you get them if I did?
No you won't, 'cause you're gone, gone, gone, gone, gone....
When you're dreaming with a broken heart
Then waking up is the hardest part
Then waking up is the hardest part
You roll outta bed and down on your knees
And for a moment you can hardly breathe
Wondering was he really here?
Is he standing in my room?
No he's not, 'cause he's gone, gone, gone, gone, gone....
When you're dreaming with a broken heart
The giving up is the hardest part
He takes you in with his crying eyes
Then all at once you have to say goodbye
Wondering could you stay my love?
Will you wake up by my side?
No he can't, 'cause she's gone, gone, gone, gone, gone....
Now do I have to fall asleep with roses in my hands
Do I have to fall asleep with roses in my hands?
Do I have to fall asleep with roses in my hands?
Do I have to fall asleep with roses in my , roses in my hands?
Would you get them if I did?
No you won't, 'cause you're gone, gone, gone, gone, gone....
When you're dreaming with a broken heart
Then waking up is the hardest part
Tuesday, October 6, 2009
Woah, this blog is still here.
And so am I! I figure I'd better use it. Seeing as the last time I wrote was...April. The problem with blogs is that their so public. Maybe I'll make it private, just so I can get some stuff out without offending people.
Humans are, indeed, the strangest creatures I have ever come across on the face of this planet. That even includes those Snakehead fish in the Meikong River, and those are some FREAKY fish. Whether people admit it or not, we are completely ruled by our emotions, aren't we? I mean, we like to think that we aren't, but when we are slighted by somebody it tends to show on the exterior. Only the sweetest of us can stay immune to that passive-aggressive tendency; most of us really do like to hold on to grudges for as long as possible. You just have to wonder if there's a better way to get past that tiny piece of anger, that little hurt. It's like floating past an iceberg in the dead of night, you know? You might get away unscathed and never even realize that the iceberg was there, or you could plow right into it and sink your ship. You could just let go of that hurt and anger like it never even existed, or you could get sucked into the vicious cycle of blame.
But you say, what about those things you can't get past? There's so many bad things in the world, things like rape, greed, corruption, dirty politics, starving slaves.... these aren't petty slights, these are full-on crimes and violations against the human spirit. Are you compelled to forgive the people that perpetrate those crimes?
At any rate, I do feel like I should be able to forgive someone for their mistakes when they are so few and so trivial in light of the things they COULD have done to me. So why am I always remembering the negative instead of the positive? In my mind, why is there always three bad days for every good day? When I was younger, I used to be so optimistic, and I would sort of write off the people that talked like I'm talking right now. Nobody's life could be that bad, especially the lives of Americans, the rich kids. And yet my mind is never satisfied with any experience, any person, any achievement. I am never living up to what I think I should be, and I am sure I take it out on other people. God sees it, for sure, and I'm even more confident that he's doing something about it. Until then, I sit, and try not to be contagious.
Humans are, indeed, the strangest creatures I have ever come across on the face of this planet. That even includes those Snakehead fish in the Meikong River, and those are some FREAKY fish. Whether people admit it or not, we are completely ruled by our emotions, aren't we? I mean, we like to think that we aren't, but when we are slighted by somebody it tends to show on the exterior. Only the sweetest of us can stay immune to that passive-aggressive tendency; most of us really do like to hold on to grudges for as long as possible. You just have to wonder if there's a better way to get past that tiny piece of anger, that little hurt. It's like floating past an iceberg in the dead of night, you know? You might get away unscathed and never even realize that the iceberg was there, or you could plow right into it and sink your ship. You could just let go of that hurt and anger like it never even existed, or you could get sucked into the vicious cycle of blame.
But you say, what about those things you can't get past? There's so many bad things in the world, things like rape, greed, corruption, dirty politics, starving slaves.... these aren't petty slights, these are full-on crimes and violations against the human spirit. Are you compelled to forgive the people that perpetrate those crimes?
At any rate, I do feel like I should be able to forgive someone for their mistakes when they are so few and so trivial in light of the things they COULD have done to me. So why am I always remembering the negative instead of the positive? In my mind, why is there always three bad days for every good day? When I was younger, I used to be so optimistic, and I would sort of write off the people that talked like I'm talking right now. Nobody's life could be that bad, especially the lives of Americans, the rich kids. And yet my mind is never satisfied with any experience, any person, any achievement. I am never living up to what I think I should be, and I am sure I take it out on other people. God sees it, for sure, and I'm even more confident that he's doing something about it. Until then, I sit, and try not to be contagious.
Thursday, April 23, 2009
::Sigh::
In retrospect, I am thinking that the world would be a much better place if other people just kind of shut one another out. The daily pain of being hurt by people you trust and love is intimidating, the kind of thing that sits on your chest when you're trying to sleep and laughs at you when you wake up. You look in the mirror, taking in the rings around your eyes and the acne on your face, and you think, "Is it worth it?" And the pain rings in your ears and you think, "No, probably not...but I'm gonna try my best anyway."
So you go out into the world and you make the best of things. It's okay that your best friend is suddenly self-obsessed and unwilling to listen to a thing you say. It's okay that you walk into your home and nobody even looks up. It's okay that you've missed a shower again because you know that someone else needs it more. It's okay that you feel like you're working so hard and going nowhere. It's even okay that people throw their good deeds in your face, like you owe them something, even though you do them numerous favors everyday expecting nothing. It's okay.
And as you stare at yourself in the mirror, you realize that it is NOT okay. It never has been, and it probably won't be. Why would you put yourself through this? Why would you continue to look out for others despite their lack of interest in you? Because they deserve it, you think. Because I want people to treat me the way I treat them.
You don't do it for a reward, you convince yourself. You make other people happy because happiness is hard to come by these days. It's worth it just to see someone smile.
But when is the last time YOU smiled?
So you go out into the world and you make the best of things. It's okay that your best friend is suddenly self-obsessed and unwilling to listen to a thing you say. It's okay that you walk into your home and nobody even looks up. It's okay that you've missed a shower again because you know that someone else needs it more. It's okay that you feel like you're working so hard and going nowhere. It's even okay that people throw their good deeds in your face, like you owe them something, even though you do them numerous favors everyday expecting nothing. It's okay.
And as you stare at yourself in the mirror, you realize that it is NOT okay. It never has been, and it probably won't be. Why would you put yourself through this? Why would you continue to look out for others despite their lack of interest in you? Because they deserve it, you think. Because I want people to treat me the way I treat them.
You don't do it for a reward, you convince yourself. You make other people happy because happiness is hard to come by these days. It's worth it just to see someone smile.
But when is the last time YOU smiled?
Thursday, January 1, 2009
Happy New Year!
And it really is a Happy New Year, filled with potential and all the makings of greatness that come with a fresh start! I asked Wes what he thought the coming year would bring and he summed it up: joy, pain, studying, God, dating, laughing, writing, singing...sooooo much living to be done, not enough time to do it. I don't ever think I'll be satisfied until I've climbed every mountain and sung all the great songs and read all the awesome books!! Thousands of brilliant sunsets and wonderful people and delicious corndogs! Sometimes I feel like the sheer beauty of the world is overwhelming, like I will burst if I cannot communicate my joy to other people. Call me a hippie, but I still love New Years.
That picture of me is from the Jan. 26, 2008; basically, this time last year. I had just come in from playing and walking in the rain with a good friend of mine. That room is my freshman dorm, the one all the freshies had to live in for community's sake. I pray that this year will bring tons of moments like this for my friends and my family, that they get so lost in the goodness of their lives that they dance about in the rain like little kids. But I also pray that they do not get caught up in the annoyances and superficiality of society and of the world... I hope they are able to get past their vanity, what people think of them, what people expect of them. Who cares what other people think of you?! Be the change you wish to see in the world, be who you want to be and don't ever let anyone tell you that you can't. Don't be afraid to show the world that you are passionate and unique. Love it. And demonstrate to others how much you love them.
It's easier said than done, right? Well, you have the whole year to do it, and so do I. Let's get started.
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