I am starting to believe that no matter what, I cannot make things work with anyone. I am too prideful. I find flaws in everything except myself, even my friends, which is SO CRAZY because I can be SO HARD on myself. If I am not absolutely excelling in everything, I am nothing. And God says that we CAN'T be perfect, and that is why we depend on His grace and mercy, and I know that I can never, ever be the best at everything. I can't be the best sister, the best daughter, the best friend, or the best girlfriend all of the time or even most of the time. But at one point in my life, I thought I had all of it. I thought I was right about everything, and even if I didn't it didn't matter because I was actually happy. I can't really remember what it's like to feel that sure of things.
"And moving mountains ain't nothing to me;
I've faith enough to cast them to the sea,
But I don't know the first thing about love."
Thrice knows everything. I love that song.
I am tired of being unsure, and tired of being depressed at how unsure I am. Relationships are things that I do not understand, PEOPLE are things that I do not understand, no matter how much I think I love them. I will never understand how much God loves me, but I will still try and love people with that impossible standard.
I want to be happy with who I am. I want to draw and laugh and dance without people thinking I'm too impulsive or too flirtatious or too this or that!! Why do I care so much what people think! The only thing that matters is what GOD thinks!! And I used to KNOW that.
Gotta get back there.
So that I can stop judging people and myself. As if I know what's best. I don't know anything. But I don't know what changes to make and I don't know where to go. I don't hear God because I'm not asking Him. But I am afraid that if I ask, I will hear nothing, and then the decision is my own. I can't handle that.
Thursday, June 2, 2011
Friday, April 29, 2011
Lauryn Hill--When It Hurts So Bad
When it hurts so bad, when it hurts so bad
Why's it feel so good?
When it hurts so bad, when it hurts so bad
Why's it feel so good?
I loved real, real hard once
But the love wasn't returned
Found out the man I'd die for
He wasn't even concerned
I tried, and I tried, and I tried
To keep him in my life
I cried, and I cried, and I cried
But I couldn't make it right
But I, I loved the young man
And if you've ever been in love,
Then you'd understand
What you want might make you cry
What you need might pass you by
If you don't catch it,
If you don't catch it,
And what you need ironically
Will turn out what you want to be
If you just let it,
If you just let it
See, I thought this feeling
It was all that I had
But how could this be love
And make me feel so bad?
Gave up my power,
I existed for you
But whoever knew the voodoo you'd do?
But I, I loved the young man
And if you've ever been in love you'd understand
What you want might make you cry
What you need might pass you by
If you don't catch it
And what you need ironically
Will turn out what you want to be
If you just let it,
What you want might make you cry
What you need might pass you by
If you don't catch it
And what you need ironically
Will turn out what you want to be
If you just let it,
If you just let it
When it hurts so bad, when it hurts so bad
Why's it feel so good?
When it hurts so bad, when it hurts so bad
When it hurts so bad, when it hurts so bad
Why's it feel so good?
When it hurts so bad, when it hurts so bad
When it hurts so bad, when it hurts so bad
When it hurts so bad, when it hurts so bad
When it hurts so bad, when it hurts so bad
Why's it feel so good?
When it hurts so bad, when it hurts so bad
Why's it feel so good?
I loved real, real hard once
But the love wasn't returned
Found out the man I'd die for
He wasn't even concerned
I tried, and I tried, and I tried
To keep him in my life
I cried, and I cried, and I cried
But I couldn't make it right
But I, I loved the young man
And if you've ever been in love,
Then you'd understand
What you want might make you cry
What you need might pass you by
If you don't catch it,
If you don't catch it,
And what you need ironically
Will turn out what you want to be
If you just let it,
If you just let it
See, I thought this feeling
It was all that I had
But how could this be love
And make me feel so bad?
Gave up my power,
I existed for you
But whoever knew the voodoo you'd do?
But I, I loved the young man
And if you've ever been in love you'd understand
What you want might make you cry
What you need might pass you by
If you don't catch it
And what you need ironically
Will turn out what you want to be
If you just let it,
What you want might make you cry
What you need might pass you by
If you don't catch it
And what you need ironically
Will turn out what you want to be
If you just let it,
If you just let it
When it hurts so bad, when it hurts so bad
Why's it feel so good?
When it hurts so bad, when it hurts so bad
When it hurts so bad, when it hurts so bad
Why's it feel so good?
When it hurts so bad, when it hurts so bad
When it hurts so bad, when it hurts so bad
When it hurts so bad, when it hurts so bad
When it hurts so bad, when it hurts so bad
Tuesday, November 30, 2010
The Angel And the One--Weezer
It's not my destiny to be the one that you will lay with
So many reasons why I have to go but want to stay here
Sometimes I want a taste but then I don't know what I'm saying
You are the angel and I am the one who is praying
There is another love that I would rather be obeying
I see the ecstasy and already I'm anticipating
I feel a deeper peace and that deeper peace is penetrating
I've got the magic in me, I am complete is what I'm saying
I'm flying up so high, my purple majesty displaying
I've reached a higher place that no one else can make a claim in
I'll take you there, my friend
I'm reaching out my hand, so take it
We are the angels, and we are the ones that are praying
Peace, shalom, peace, shalom
Peace, peace
Peace, shalom, peace, shalom
Peace, peace
So many reasons why I have to go but want to stay here
Sometimes I want a taste but then I don't know what I'm saying
You are the angel and I am the one who is praying
There is another love that I would rather be obeying
I see the ecstasy and already I'm anticipating
I feel a deeper peace and that deeper peace is penetrating
I've got the magic in me, I am complete is what I'm saying
I'm flying up so high, my purple majesty displaying
I've reached a higher place that no one else can make a claim in
I'll take you there, my friend
I'm reaching out my hand, so take it
We are the angels, and we are the ones that are praying
Peace, shalom, peace, shalom
Peace, peace
Peace, shalom, peace, shalom
Peace, peace
Wednesday, October 20, 2010
Humanness
I believe that the thing that really defines humanity is its ability to be dissatisfied. Eve was not satisfied with the fact that she got to walk and talk with God once the serpent had told her that she could have God's knowledge of good and evil. The Old Testament Jews were almost never satisfied with the covenant that God had made; they usually got impatient and turned back to their old ways.
And yet, here is a quote from Bill Vaughn that sums up another, more positive spin on that aspect:
A three year old child is a being who gets almost as much fun out of a fifty-six dollar set of swings as it does out of finding a small green worm.
Essentially, in the end, I think we all grasp the fact that life is what you make it. Why worry about what you DON'T have when you could be grateful for what you DO have? I think any rational adult could agree with that mindset and truly believe that is the healthiest attitude to have. Still, our very nature fights against contentment, and we are rarely satisfied with ourselves, our lives, or other people. Sure, you have a nice little house with a great 10-speed bike, but what you REALLY need is a three-story mansion with a Ferrari. And THEN you'll be set for life. Then you'll be content.
I find that I am perfectly content at the funniest times. I am so pleased to be by myself, walking in the rain, listening to a Jason Mraz song on the way to a graphic design class. I am joyful being amongst old friends, watching Firefly for the 10th time. I am content at church, watching people's reactions to one another and the genuine love that holds us all together. But even then, in those happy flashes of life, there is always this nagging at the back of your brain that Christianity likes to label as "sin" from "the fall." To me, it goes back to Eve...it seems almost programmed into us, this restlessness.
And yet, here is a quote from Bill Vaughn that sums up another, more positive spin on that aspect:
A three year old child is a being who gets almost as much fun out of a fifty-six dollar set of swings as it does out of finding a small green worm.
Essentially, in the end, I think we all grasp the fact that life is what you make it. Why worry about what you DON'T have when you could be grateful for what you DO have? I think any rational adult could agree with that mindset and truly believe that is the healthiest attitude to have. Still, our very nature fights against contentment, and we are rarely satisfied with ourselves, our lives, or other people. Sure, you have a nice little house with a great 10-speed bike, but what you REALLY need is a three-story mansion with a Ferrari. And THEN you'll be set for life. Then you'll be content.
I find that I am perfectly content at the funniest times. I am so pleased to be by myself, walking in the rain, listening to a Jason Mraz song on the way to a graphic design class. I am joyful being amongst old friends, watching Firefly for the 10th time. I am content at church, watching people's reactions to one another and the genuine love that holds us all together. But even then, in those happy flashes of life, there is always this nagging at the back of your brain that Christianity likes to label as "sin" from "the fall." To me, it goes back to Eve...it seems almost programmed into us, this restlessness.
For me, it seems to culminate in my relationships. My worth is wrapped up in other people, yet it is completely separate from other people. I find that I am at my healthiest when I am alone. No one is there to doubt me, to distract me, to hurt me, to disappoint me. I am not constantly trying to please someone, not trying to read anyone's mind. Alone is easy. Being single is easy. I don't have to give anything and I am not depressed when someone doesn't give ME all of their love. I am a world unto myself, my own little self-contained light and happiness. It is God and me, living in my heart and my head, in a constant dialogue with what I see and feel and think. This is all well and good, but being the human that I am, I am dissatisfied.
I am dissatisfied because I was created by God to live in community. But even more than that, I yearn to understand someone almost as well as I understand myself. There is a closeness that I saw emanated from my parents, from the lovers I observed walking hand in hand when I went to the park. Something that resonated in my very soul. I want to share a private glance with someone and in that split second know exactly what they mean. Who doesn't enjoy a great inside joke, or being able to explain another person's actions? "Oh yeah, that's Chelsea. Always with the paint on her face. She's pretty crazy sometimes, but that's what I like about her." Whether they acknowledge it or not, everyone wants that familiarity. And I've had that. But my own humanity, the thing that initially drew me to that other person, is what ruins the relationship.
Being with that other person is wonderful and you begin to get attached. You realize you're the happiest you've ever been. And then it starts. "You" begins to fade and "we" begins to take its place. The highs are fantastic, but the lows are crushing. You panic and try to become "you" again, try to be your own person. Each of you is trying to stay an individual by imposing your own standards and rules on the other person. Where do you compromise? Where do you stay "true to yourself?" What does that even mean? Love is selfless, is it not? Then why is there so much "self" involved? You find yourself flailing in the dark, terrified of being alone, being torn apart as you struggle to get closer while simultaneously pulling away. In the end, you are left wondering if it was even worth it. And then the cycle continues: You become comfortable being alone. So comfortable that you get this itch in your brain, that turns into a rash, that turns into an all-consuming desire to be close to someone again. The only thing that's consistent is that reliance in God and the dissatisfaction.
But one day, one day the wait will be worth it.
I am dissatisfied because I was created by God to live in community. But even more than that, I yearn to understand someone almost as well as I understand myself. There is a closeness that I saw emanated from my parents, from the lovers I observed walking hand in hand when I went to the park. Something that resonated in my very soul. I want to share a private glance with someone and in that split second know exactly what they mean. Who doesn't enjoy a great inside joke, or being able to explain another person's actions? "Oh yeah, that's Chelsea. Always with the paint on her face. She's pretty crazy sometimes, but that's what I like about her." Whether they acknowledge it or not, everyone wants that familiarity. And I've had that. But my own humanity, the thing that initially drew me to that other person, is what ruins the relationship.
Being with that other person is wonderful and you begin to get attached. You realize you're the happiest you've ever been. And then it starts. "You" begins to fade and "we" begins to take its place. The highs are fantastic, but the lows are crushing. You panic and try to become "you" again, try to be your own person. Each of you is trying to stay an individual by imposing your own standards and rules on the other person. Where do you compromise? Where do you stay "true to yourself?" What does that even mean? Love is selfless, is it not? Then why is there so much "self" involved? You find yourself flailing in the dark, terrified of being alone, being torn apart as you struggle to get closer while simultaneously pulling away. In the end, you are left wondering if it was even worth it. And then the cycle continues: You become comfortable being alone. So comfortable that you get this itch in your brain, that turns into a rash, that turns into an all-consuming desire to be close to someone again. The only thing that's consistent is that reliance in God and the dissatisfaction.
But one day, one day the wait will be worth it.
Wednesday, July 28, 2010
Late Night Musings
As I look back at my life, I can honestly say up until about two years ago, I was an extremely content person. Bad things would happen, but they would roll off my back like water on a duck. Bad grades? I worked harder and earned A's. Break-up with a boyfriend? God had someone better planned for me. Problems with the family? I would talk to my parents and resolve things calmly. Nothing phased me because I felt I had a firm foundation.
God still has my back and (considering what's happened between now and when I was seventeen) I am still fairly confident. After a rather large rough patch, things are equalizing. However, there is a disturbing new development, a side effect to adulthood. I lack commitment to the point where I can't even recognize myself. I have always known what I wanted, was always the "monogamous" one. In terms of relationships, work, habits, etc., I am very single-minded and loyal to a fault. I'm not sure whether cynicism is setting in or what, but I don't quite trust anything anymore. If it seems to good to be true, it probably is, and I didn't used to believe that.
This leads to another disturbing trend: I am never satisfied. With myself or with others. No one is perfect, but as soon as I get close to people and pinpoint their flaws, I'm outta there. I can't handle the pain of being part of something that I am certain will fail. Even searching for internships or going to church, I am held back by the fact that I assume everything will go wrong.
I don't know where I got this new attitude from, but I absolutely despise it.
God still has my back and (considering what's happened between now and when I was seventeen) I am still fairly confident. After a rather large rough patch, things are equalizing. However, there is a disturbing new development, a side effect to adulthood. I lack commitment to the point where I can't even recognize myself. I have always known what I wanted, was always the "monogamous" one. In terms of relationships, work, habits, etc., I am very single-minded and loyal to a fault. I'm not sure whether cynicism is setting in or what, but I don't quite trust anything anymore. If it seems to good to be true, it probably is, and I didn't used to believe that.
This leads to another disturbing trend: I am never satisfied. With myself or with others. No one is perfect, but as soon as I get close to people and pinpoint their flaws, I'm outta there. I can't handle the pain of being part of something that I am certain will fail. Even searching for internships or going to church, I am held back by the fact that I assume everything will go wrong.
I don't know where I got this new attitude from, but I absolutely despise it.
Thursday, November 5, 2009
Things to Fix
Here's just a list of things I feel I need to fix about myself lately. There are many, and I just want to remember them in order to stay accountable. I know I'll never be perfect, but it's always good to improve oneself, right?
1) Stop saying "I swear to God." I should never swear to anything, especially God. And usually when I say this I'm just joking around, and there are many other things I could say BESIDES this.
2) Stop getting irritated with people for doing things I normally do. That's hypocritical and stupid. Like when I trip over someone's shoes that were left in the middle of the floor, and get pissed, and then realize that my roommate tripped over MY shoes just yesterday. -_-
3) STOP STALKING PEOPLE ON FACEBOOK. And by that I mean, stop spending hours of your life on this ridiculous website that only works half the time.
4) Stop exaggerating stories. It gets to the point where I'm pretty much lying. Somehow or another I boasted to someone I had been to a Mastodon concert, when really what I MEANT was that Fall of Troy had a song called Mastodon. How did I even get from one idea to the other? I DON'T KNOW.
5) Stop being a hater. Men are NOT all perverts, and women are NOT all gossips. That's the recent dose of cynicism talking.
6) Be nice to your friends even when they're not nice to you, and be EXTRA nice when they go out of their way to show they care. Friends are your family away from home. ^_^
7) Don't worry your parents by looking unkempt. If you don't brush your hair for a week, they will assume that you have no basic hygiene skills and ask you repeatedly if you do, in fact, shower.
8) Don't get mad at your parents when they say things like this.
9) Start applying what you have learned in the past year or so about God and people. Don't be afraid to step out on your own; you need to make your own path, because no one's gonna do it for you. But DON'T get overconfident and cocky, you're still learning. And DON'T get meek and quiet and withdrawn, because you already look like an anti-social computer nerd who only prefers the company of like-minded and non-threatening people.
That's all for now. I'm sure I will think of more.
1) Stop saying "I swear to God." I should never swear to anything, especially God. And usually when I say this I'm just joking around, and there are many other things I could say BESIDES this.
2) Stop getting irritated with people for doing things I normally do. That's hypocritical and stupid. Like when I trip over someone's shoes that were left in the middle of the floor, and get pissed, and then realize that my roommate tripped over MY shoes just yesterday. -_-
3) STOP STALKING PEOPLE ON FACEBOOK. And by that I mean, stop spending hours of your life on this ridiculous website that only works half the time.
4) Stop exaggerating stories. It gets to the point where I'm pretty much lying. Somehow or another I boasted to someone I had been to a Mastodon concert, when really what I MEANT was that Fall of Troy had a song called Mastodon. How did I even get from one idea to the other? I DON'T KNOW.
5) Stop being a hater. Men are NOT all perverts, and women are NOT all gossips. That's the recent dose of cynicism talking.
6) Be nice to your friends even when they're not nice to you, and be EXTRA nice when they go out of their way to show they care. Friends are your family away from home. ^_^
7) Don't worry your parents by looking unkempt. If you don't brush your hair for a week, they will assume that you have no basic hygiene skills and ask you repeatedly if you do, in fact, shower.
8) Don't get mad at your parents when they say things like this.
9) Start applying what you have learned in the past year or so about God and people. Don't be afraid to step out on your own; you need to make your own path, because no one's gonna do it for you. But DON'T get overconfident and cocky, you're still learning. And DON'T get meek and quiet and withdrawn, because you already look like an anti-social computer nerd who only prefers the company of like-minded and non-threatening people.
That's all for now. I'm sure I will think of more.
Saturday, October 17, 2009
Love Never Fails
It says right there in the Bible, "Love never fails." It's on pillows, mugs, it's on my flippin' shower curtain. And I want to say that I know that it is true; love is the one thing we can count on to make things better where they were worse. I know this. I KNOW it, I have seen it. God's very nature is love, according to theology. The Father loves the Son, the Son reciprocates, the Holy Spirit is that reciprocation, therefore the Triune God is love in community with himself. We look to him as our role model for relationship with one another, or at least we try.
I want very badly to say that I know that this is true. But all the love in the world seems to have failed me now. I love someone more than anything, like that ridiculous quote from The Village, "more than the moon and the sun combined." We HAD that, we understood that. And yet it still wasn't enough for me to become more flexible, more willing to accept their personality with all it's strengths and flaws. I couldn't change my values or my outlook so that he and I could stay together, and he couldn't do it for me. We're only human. In humanland, love fails.
I'm not usually cynical and I'm not saying that our love failed. I'm not even saying that it won't eventually be a source of love in years to come. And a year and 2 months of a fantastic relationship isn't a failure, it's a learning experience and a great one, at that. All I'm asking for is answers. God is so immense and amazing, so why can't He overcome some of the evil that has entered our relationship through the back door? Why can't He see what this means to both of us? I'm sick of my Christian campus telling me that "God will work through it." I like to think He will, but they say it with such snobbish conviction, like I should just be remembering this. They don't consider the fact that God just took away the life of a man who has two 5 year old sons and left a young widow alone. They don't consider that God is watching a woman die in Laos as she struggles to breathe from an oxygen tank, as she laments that she is too much of a burden on her family. They don't think about these things as they tell me with absolute certainty that God will provide. If He doesn't want to, He won't, and that's not necessarily a bad thing.
I pray and pray and pray that my current situation turns out for the best, and I understand that God is listening. I understand also that I sound very accusatory right now, but He already knows how I feel and He's still my Father; at the end of the day, He offers a great comfort, like a hug almost. I know that everything will be okay. It just can't stop me from missing the person I love the most, and it can't stop me from being angry and hurt. I am only a human. From down here, it still looks like love has failed me. But from up there, He still sees that love never fails in my life. He still loves us all.
And I REFUSE to take his pictures down. He's still a great friend and they make me smile, dang it.
I want very badly to say that I know that this is true. But all the love in the world seems to have failed me now. I love someone more than anything, like that ridiculous quote from The Village, "more than the moon and the sun combined." We HAD that, we understood that. And yet it still wasn't enough for me to become more flexible, more willing to accept their personality with all it's strengths and flaws. I couldn't change my values or my outlook so that he and I could stay together, and he couldn't do it for me. We're only human. In humanland, love fails.
I'm not usually cynical and I'm not saying that our love failed. I'm not even saying that it won't eventually be a source of love in years to come. And a year and 2 months of a fantastic relationship isn't a failure, it's a learning experience and a great one, at that. All I'm asking for is answers. God is so immense and amazing, so why can't He overcome some of the evil that has entered our relationship through the back door? Why can't He see what this means to both of us? I'm sick of my Christian campus telling me that "God will work through it." I like to think He will, but they say it with such snobbish conviction, like I should just be remembering this. They don't consider the fact that God just took away the life of a man who has two 5 year old sons and left a young widow alone. They don't consider that God is watching a woman die in Laos as she struggles to breathe from an oxygen tank, as she laments that she is too much of a burden on her family. They don't think about these things as they tell me with absolute certainty that God will provide. If He doesn't want to, He won't, and that's not necessarily a bad thing.
I pray and pray and pray that my current situation turns out for the best, and I understand that God is listening. I understand also that I sound very accusatory right now, but He already knows how I feel and He's still my Father; at the end of the day, He offers a great comfort, like a hug almost. I know that everything will be okay. It just can't stop me from missing the person I love the most, and it can't stop me from being angry and hurt. I am only a human. From down here, it still looks like love has failed me. But from up there, He still sees that love never fails in my life. He still loves us all.
And I REFUSE to take his pictures down. He's still a great friend and they make me smile, dang it.
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