It says right there in the Bible, "Love never fails." It's on pillows, mugs, it's on my flippin' shower curtain. And I want to say that I know that it is true; love is the one thing we can count on to make things better where they were worse. I know this. I KNOW it, I have seen it. God's very nature is love, according to theology. The Father loves the Son, the Son reciprocates, the Holy Spirit is that reciprocation, therefore the Triune God is love in community with himself. We look to him as our role model for relationship with one another, or at least we try.
I want very badly to say that I know that this is true. But all the love in the world seems to have failed me now. I love someone more than anything, like that ridiculous quote from The Village, "more than the moon and the sun combined." We HAD that, we understood that. And yet it still wasn't enough for me to become more flexible, more willing to accept their personality with all it's strengths and flaws. I couldn't change my values or my outlook so that he and I could stay together, and he couldn't do it for me. We're only human. In humanland, love fails.
I'm not usually cynical and I'm not saying that our love failed. I'm not even saying that it won't eventually be a source of love in years to come. And a year and 2 months of a fantastic relationship isn't a failure, it's a learning experience and a great one, at that. All I'm asking for is answers. God is so immense and amazing, so why can't He overcome some of the evil that has entered our relationship through the back door? Why can't He see what this means to both of us? I'm sick of my Christian campus telling me that "God will work through it." I like to think He will, but they say it with such snobbish conviction, like I should just be remembering this. They don't consider the fact that God just took away the life of a man who has two 5 year old sons and left a young widow alone. They don't consider that God is watching a woman die in Laos as she struggles to breathe from an oxygen tank, as she laments that she is too much of a burden on her family. They don't think about these things as they tell me with absolute certainty that God will provide. If He doesn't want to, He won't, and that's not necessarily a bad thing.
I pray and pray and pray that my current situation turns out for the best, and I understand that God is listening. I understand also that I sound very accusatory right now, but He already knows how I feel and He's still my Father; at the end of the day, He offers a great comfort, like a hug almost. I know that everything will be okay. It just can't stop me from missing the person I love the most, and it can't stop me from being angry and hurt. I am only a human. From down here, it still looks like love has failed me. But from up there, He still sees that love never fails in my life. He still loves us all.
And I REFUSE to take his pictures down. He's still a great friend and they make me smile, dang it.
Saturday, October 17, 2009
Thursday, October 15, 2009
Do I have to fall asleep with roses in my hand...
When you're dreaming with a broken heart
Then waking up is the hardest part
You roll outta bed and down on your knees
And for a moment you can hardly breathe
Wondering was he really here?
Is he standing in my room?
No he's not, 'cause he's gone, gone, gone, gone, gone....
When you're dreaming with a broken heart
The giving up is the hardest part
He takes you in with his crying eyes
Then all at once you have to say goodbye
Wondering could you stay my love?
Will you wake up by my side?
No he can't, 'cause she's gone, gone, gone, gone, gone....
Now do I have to fall asleep with roses in my hands
Do I have to fall asleep with roses in my hands?
Do I have to fall asleep with roses in my hands?
Do I have to fall asleep with roses in my , roses in my hands?
Would you get them if I did?
No you won't, 'cause you're gone, gone, gone, gone, gone....
When you're dreaming with a broken heart
Then waking up is the hardest part
Then waking up is the hardest part
You roll outta bed and down on your knees
And for a moment you can hardly breathe
Wondering was he really here?
Is he standing in my room?
No he's not, 'cause he's gone, gone, gone, gone, gone....
When you're dreaming with a broken heart
The giving up is the hardest part
He takes you in with his crying eyes
Then all at once you have to say goodbye
Wondering could you stay my love?
Will you wake up by my side?
No he can't, 'cause she's gone, gone, gone, gone, gone....
Now do I have to fall asleep with roses in my hands
Do I have to fall asleep with roses in my hands?
Do I have to fall asleep with roses in my hands?
Do I have to fall asleep with roses in my , roses in my hands?
Would you get them if I did?
No you won't, 'cause you're gone, gone, gone, gone, gone....
When you're dreaming with a broken heart
Then waking up is the hardest part
Tuesday, October 6, 2009
Woah, this blog is still here.
And so am I! I figure I'd better use it. Seeing as the last time I wrote was...April. The problem with blogs is that their so public. Maybe I'll make it private, just so I can get some stuff out without offending people.
Humans are, indeed, the strangest creatures I have ever come across on the face of this planet. That even includes those Snakehead fish in the Meikong River, and those are some FREAKY fish. Whether people admit it or not, we are completely ruled by our emotions, aren't we? I mean, we like to think that we aren't, but when we are slighted by somebody it tends to show on the exterior. Only the sweetest of us can stay immune to that passive-aggressive tendency; most of us really do like to hold on to grudges for as long as possible. You just have to wonder if there's a better way to get past that tiny piece of anger, that little hurt. It's like floating past an iceberg in the dead of night, you know? You might get away unscathed and never even realize that the iceberg was there, or you could plow right into it and sink your ship. You could just let go of that hurt and anger like it never even existed, or you could get sucked into the vicious cycle of blame.
But you say, what about those things you can't get past? There's so many bad things in the world, things like rape, greed, corruption, dirty politics, starving slaves.... these aren't petty slights, these are full-on crimes and violations against the human spirit. Are you compelled to forgive the people that perpetrate those crimes?
At any rate, I do feel like I should be able to forgive someone for their mistakes when they are so few and so trivial in light of the things they COULD have done to me. So why am I always remembering the negative instead of the positive? In my mind, why is there always three bad days for every good day? When I was younger, I used to be so optimistic, and I would sort of write off the people that talked like I'm talking right now. Nobody's life could be that bad, especially the lives of Americans, the rich kids. And yet my mind is never satisfied with any experience, any person, any achievement. I am never living up to what I think I should be, and I am sure I take it out on other people. God sees it, for sure, and I'm even more confident that he's doing something about it. Until then, I sit, and try not to be contagious.
Humans are, indeed, the strangest creatures I have ever come across on the face of this planet. That even includes those Snakehead fish in the Meikong River, and those are some FREAKY fish. Whether people admit it or not, we are completely ruled by our emotions, aren't we? I mean, we like to think that we aren't, but when we are slighted by somebody it tends to show on the exterior. Only the sweetest of us can stay immune to that passive-aggressive tendency; most of us really do like to hold on to grudges for as long as possible. You just have to wonder if there's a better way to get past that tiny piece of anger, that little hurt. It's like floating past an iceberg in the dead of night, you know? You might get away unscathed and never even realize that the iceberg was there, or you could plow right into it and sink your ship. You could just let go of that hurt and anger like it never even existed, or you could get sucked into the vicious cycle of blame.
But you say, what about those things you can't get past? There's so many bad things in the world, things like rape, greed, corruption, dirty politics, starving slaves.... these aren't petty slights, these are full-on crimes and violations against the human spirit. Are you compelled to forgive the people that perpetrate those crimes?
At any rate, I do feel like I should be able to forgive someone for their mistakes when they are so few and so trivial in light of the things they COULD have done to me. So why am I always remembering the negative instead of the positive? In my mind, why is there always three bad days for every good day? When I was younger, I used to be so optimistic, and I would sort of write off the people that talked like I'm talking right now. Nobody's life could be that bad, especially the lives of Americans, the rich kids. And yet my mind is never satisfied with any experience, any person, any achievement. I am never living up to what I think I should be, and I am sure I take it out on other people. God sees it, for sure, and I'm even more confident that he's doing something about it. Until then, I sit, and try not to be contagious.
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