In a nutshell

I am starting to believe that no matter what, I cannot make things work with anyone. I am too prideful. I find flaws in everything except myself, even my friends, which is SO CRAZY because I can be SO HARD on myself. If I am not absolutely excelling in everything, I am nothing. And God says that we CAN'T be perfect, and that is why we depend on His grace and mercy, and I know that I can never, ever be the best at everything. I can't be the best sister, the best daughter, the best friend, or the best girlfriend all of the time or even most of the time. But at one point in my life, I thought I had all of it. I thought I was right about everything, and even if I didn't it didn't matter because I was actually happy. I can't really remember what it's like to feel that sure of things.

"And moving mountains ain't nothing to me;
I've faith enough to cast them to the sea,
But I don't know the first thing about love."

Thrice knows everything. I love that song.

I am tired of being unsure, and tired of being depressed at how unsure I am. Relationships are things that I do not understand, PEOPLE are things that I do not understand, no matter how much I think I love them. I will never understand how much God loves me, but I will still try and love people with that impossible standard.

I want to be happy with who I am. I want to draw and laugh and dance without people thinking I'm too impulsive or too flirtatious or too this or that!! Why do I care so much what people think! The only thing that matters is what GOD thinks!! And I used to KNOW that.

Gotta get back there.

So that I can stop judging people and myself. As if I know what's best. I don't know anything. But I don't know what changes to make and I don't know where to go. I don't hear God because I'm not asking Him. But I am afraid that if I ask, I will hear nothing, and then the decision is my own. I can't handle that.