In a nutshell

I am starting to believe that no matter what, I cannot make things work with anyone. I am too prideful. I find flaws in everything except myself, even my friends, which is SO CRAZY because I can be SO HARD on myself. If I am not absolutely excelling in everything, I am nothing. And God says that we CAN'T be perfect, and that is why we depend on His grace and mercy, and I know that I can never, ever be the best at everything. I can't be the best sister, the best daughter, the best friend, or the best girlfriend all of the time or even most of the time. But at one point in my life, I thought I had all of it. I thought I was right about everything, and even if I didn't it didn't matter because I was actually happy. I can't really remember what it's like to feel that sure of things.

"And moving mountains ain't nothing to me;
I've faith enough to cast them to the sea,
But I don't know the first thing about love."

Thrice knows everything. I love that song.

I am tired of being unsure, and tired of being depressed at how unsure I am. Relationships are things that I do not understand, PEOPLE are things that I do not understand, no matter how much I think I love them. I will never understand how much God loves me, but I will still try and love people with that impossible standard.

I want to be happy with who I am. I want to draw and laugh and dance without people thinking I'm too impulsive or too flirtatious or too this or that!! Why do I care so much what people think! The only thing that matters is what GOD thinks!! And I used to KNOW that.

Gotta get back there.

So that I can stop judging people and myself. As if I know what's best. I don't know anything. But I don't know what changes to make and I don't know where to go. I don't hear God because I'm not asking Him. But I am afraid that if I ask, I will hear nothing, and then the decision is my own. I can't handle that.

Lauryn Hill--When It Hurts So Bad

When it hurts so bad, when it hurts so bad
Why's it feel so good?
When it hurts so bad, when it hurts so bad
Why's it feel so good?

I loved real, real hard once
But the love wasn't returned
Found out the man I'd die for
He wasn't even concerned
I tried, and I tried, and I tried
To keep him in my life
I cried, and I cried, and I cried
But I couldn't make it right
But I, I loved the young man
And if you've ever been in love,
Then you'd understand

What you want might make you cry
What you need might pass you by
If you don't catch it,
If you don't catch it,
And what you need ironically
Will turn out what you want to be
If you just let it,
If you just let it

See, I thought this feeling
It was all that I had
But how could this be love
And make me feel so bad?
Gave up my power,
I existed for you
But whoever knew the voodoo you'd do?
But I, I loved the young man
And if you've ever been in love you'd understand
What you want might make you cry
What you need might pass you by
If you don't catch it
And what you need ironically
Will turn out what you want to be
If you just let it,
What you want might make you cry
What you need might pass you by
If you don't catch it
And what you need ironically
Will turn out what you want to be
If you just let it,
If you just let it

When it hurts so bad, when it hurts so bad
Why's it feel so good?
When it hurts so bad, when it hurts so bad

When it hurts so bad, when it hurts so bad
Why's it feel so good?
When it hurts so bad, when it hurts so bad
When it hurts so bad, when it hurts so bad
When it hurts so bad, when it hurts so bad
When it hurts so bad, when it hurts so bad