As I look back at my life, I can honestly say up until about two years ago, I was an extremely content person. Bad things would happen, but they would roll off my back like water on a duck. Bad grades? I worked harder and earned A's. Break-up with a boyfriend? God had someone better planned for me. Problems with the family? I would talk to my parents and resolve things calmly. Nothing phased me because I felt I had a firm foundation.
God still has my back and (considering what's happened between now and when I was seventeen) I am still fairly confident. After a rather large rough patch, things are equalizing. However, there is a disturbing new development, a side effect to adulthood. I lack commitment to the point where I can't even recognize myself. I have always known what I wanted, was always the "monogamous" one. In terms of relationships, work, habits, etc., I am very single-minded and loyal to a fault. I'm not sure whether cynicism is setting in or what, but I don't quite trust anything anymore. If it seems to good to be true, it probably is, and I didn't used to believe that.
This leads to another disturbing trend: I am never satisfied. With myself or with others. No one is perfect, but as soon as I get close to people and pinpoint their flaws, I'm outta there. I can't handle the pain of being part of something that I am certain will fail. Even searching for internships or going to church, I am held back by the fact that I assume everything will go wrong.
I don't know where I got this new attitude from, but I absolutely despise it.
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